I remember growing up as a little girl, feeling different from everyone and being treated differently as well. I wanted to fit in so badly, be accepted and be “normal.” The more I tried, the more I stood out, and it did not help. I could not swim, could barely dance, or stay on beat so, of course, my family made fun of me, lol.

I remember being angry for being left out of the circles of my cousins and friends. I never felt a sense of comfort around them. One day we would be cool and the next day they would act funny. I accepted this behavior as normal and tried to stay on the good side of people, hoping to avoid their turbulence. I became an extreme people pleaser because I wanted to be liked and wanted people around me. While I had great times with my family and friends, it was not consistent; it angered me to be around people whose energy towards me went up and down. I learned to be with myself a lot and go within myself as a child.  I noticed my mom talking to herself and eventually I found comfort in doing the same thing.

I would retreat to my room after my parents upset me and find peace in being alone in my room. My room became my sanctuary, my escape from the world around me. I remember my father calling me dumb and stupid because of my grades. I would go into my room, saying I am going to prove him wrong with tears in my eyes. The day I graduated from high school, my father told me he was proud of me. But I had already distanced myself emotionally from him so his words did not move me.

My mom was heavy in the church and I became interested in God as well. I found comfort and peace in talking with God.  I would talk to God often in my room, asking God for help in my studies in school, to help me pass my driver’s license, help me get a brand-new car, and a job. Going to church and having a relationship with God really helped me in my life. I would fast and study my Bible for deeper understanding. I now have a deeper understanding of God (the universe). I do not believe God is a person sitting on the throne anymore. I see God in everything. I see God in the birds, the trees, and the squirrels. I see God in everything. My therapist once asked me, “Do you believe God created evil?” I said yes because God is everything. 

Growing up, I would hang out with family and friends but keep my true self reserved and protected. I basically started wearing masks to blend in with them. I would engage their world, pump them up, ask questions and allow them to confide in me. I would try to talk about myself with them, but they don’t welcome my words. I would feel some type of way about not being able to fully express my good emotions. While they listened to my painful stories, they were not concerned with my growth. They listened to my pain and used it against me.

Alone with myself, I could fully express myself to God. However, when I express my good emotions to family and friends, they would criticize and judge me. I would usually get off the phone, pissed off like, why did I even confide in them. As I got older, I stopped telling them things about the moves I make. They started asking why I didn’t tell them. They started asking questions about my success.

Later, family and friends would call me to borrow money. I became the go-to person they could run to. At first, I loved it, and after I had my first daughter, I realized I don’t like this shit anymore. I started to feel used by my family and friends. When I told them NO and stood up for myself, they would say, “That’s the broke Dede talking.” I started standing up for myself instead of letting them walk all over me like a doormat.

As an adult in my thirties, I learned about being an empath, and my whole life started to make sense. I love and enjoy helping others. It makes me feel good helping others feel good about themselves. I love to give. But the dark side of being an empath is that I became a target, attracting narcissists. My ex-husband would tear me down emotionally. I wanted him to accept me and be there. I would cry and feel hurt. He never had any empathy for my feelings and would ignore me. I didn’t make sense of the toxicity until we separated. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough with him. He would give me the silent treatment and I couldn’t understand at the time until I started studying the traits of a narcissist.

Still, I never cared to put people down. Whenever I go back and forth with someone, I feel drained and become upset that I allowed them to take me there. I would rather ignore people or stop talking to someone before I feel the need to engage in negativity.  Trust me, I had my share of back-and-forths with people, feeling the need to explain myself or let them have it. None of this made me feel any better. Afterward, I would cry, emotionally wishing it never happened. I hated finding myself in that negative cycle.

I experienced a lot of toxic relationships in my life, feeling drained and depressed all the time. I started to feel that this was the hand God gave me so I should just deal and tolerate the negativity. My marriage was the most toxic of them all. When I awakened spiritually and decided to leave my unhappy marriage for the unknown, everything in my life changed. I saw family and friends for who they really were. For the first time in my life, I separated from a lot of people. While I was scared to let go, I finally felt free.

The truth is, I grew up in a negative environment. I felt more hate and negative emotions than love and positive energy. Even when you did something good, it would be criticized. As a child, I had a dream of becoming a lawyer and expressed this to my family, only to be torn down. I remember my grandmother telling me I could never be a lawyer. I remember her telling me that I was going to lay on my back and have a lot of babies. I remember crying, not wanting to go over to her house anymore. That prompted me to become numb. And I emotionally distanced myself from her. Still, I am grateful for my wounded childhood because it has allowed me to live a different life now.  I feel so much peace in forgiving my grandmother, father, and ex-husband.

After a dead marriage and failed relationships, I embraced my peace of mind and understood peace on a new level. My failed marriage allowed me to create a better life.  I set the intention for my phone to only ring for business and real conversations. I no longer wanted to be a counselor for family and friends, a shoulder for them to use and lean on. I no longer wanted to be the go-to person for emotional, physical or financial support. I was tired of being drained.

I am also a highly sensitive person (HSP). I believe both of my daughters have the nature of an empath and are highly sensitive like me. My house is full of emotional beings, lol. I also recognize my life partner as an empath and HSP. I believe this makes our relationship so magical because we are truly in tune with each other.

Understanding my empathic nature, I felt like I was cursed with a gift. A gift that brought good and negative emotions. When I first read a book about being an empath, I became angry. I felt like I was cursed with this gift. My empathic nature made sense but also made me a target.  I still see my empathic nature as a gift. Being an empath with strong feelings and emotions, I can easily feel the spirit and tap into my third eye. Spirituality comes naturally to me because of my empathic nature.

I am grateful to have a heart of love after all the pain I have endured as a child and in marriage. Pain is my greatest teacher, and I have turned my pain into purpose. The dark side of being an empath is that I easily absorb other people’s emotions as my own. I did not know how to separate my emotions from others. Surely, I am still learning my emotional grid and becoming more intuitive with my emotions.

I can easily match the vibration others give me. This can be a good and a bad thing. The people I told my painful story were also hurt individuals. I lived on a painful vibration and my life mirrored this vibration. After my awakening, I started becoming aware of myself in a new light and shifting to a different vibration that felt good.

I wanted to feel good, be happy, live peacefully, and be free. I need a lot of alone time. I often get extremely moody so I need time to recharge. Alone time frees me from suffocation and saves me from being overwhelmed. Even though I am in a relationship, I still like to go out to eat alone and be with myself. I enjoy her and I make time for myself. It’s one of the best feelings in the world—to experience being with one’s self regularly.

I am easily overwhelmed and exhausted. I process things differently. I create maps and see myself in the future. It’s just the way I do things. I have been called a cry baby, sensitive, and emotional all my life. I used to hate this part of me. I could not understand why I was so emotional. But after learning my zodiac sign and studying my natal chart, I now understand that it is my nature to be sensitive. I am wired to be who I am and I own it.  While I love to joke, I am a very serious person because I feel everything.

And because I attract narcissistic types of individuals, I have learned to protect my energy from these types of vampires. I have now developed the ability to sense a person’s toxic energy from afar. I am learning how to set healthy boundaries with my kids, family, and friends. I like to go to bed in the dark. I cannot sleep with music or the TV on. I hate when my kids cry. This has been and still is an ongoing challenge in my life. It sounds like scratching a chalkboard. I hate the sound of it. It doesn’t bother me when I hear other people’s babies crying. But when my kids start crying, I feel it and react instead of observing. I am a work in progress. They need a book for empath mothers, lol.

Understanding my nature of being an empath, I had to learn how to protect my energy from vampires and be careful where I put my energy. Because I had opened myself up to people without discernment, I took some spiritual hits. It messed up my energy so badly it took me weeks to recover.  One’s spiritual body is more sensitive than the physical body. Both bodies need to be carefully protected. I honor and listen to my spirit: there are some people I will never interact with again in my life.

The beautiful side of being an empath and sensitive soul is that I feel everything. I see life differently than others. I am attuned to vibrations and energies around me. Even though I have experienced trauma, PTSD, a wounded childhood, and lacked a strong emotional foundation, I still have empathy for humanity. I want what is best for people.

I am an empath. I hear unspoken words and pay attention to subtleties.  I can read energy and see things on a deeper level. Strangers are prone to tell me their life stories. When I was an extreme couponer selling products in my basement, my customers loved me. They would tell me their life stories while shopping with me. I had one customer who would just open up and start crying about her life. And I would listen. I enjoyed this part the most. I was serving my customers in a way that made them feel very comfortable sharing their lives with me. I honestly missed this part the most of being an extreme couponer. It was the stories, the impact, the lessons, and the aha moments. I learned a lot from my customers. They poured into me and I poured into them. The exchange was beautiful. I miss my customers and they miss me as well.

However, sometimes, after closing my store, I would feel drained emotionally because I did not know how to separate my emotions from my customers’. I had to learn how to separate my emotions and ground myself.

I am happy I am an empath. I choose to have empathy for others. The pain I have experienced I would not wish that on anybody. Protecting my energy and setting boundaries is a priority in my life. I have to pick and choose who I will allow in my space. I have to choose the spaces I will allow myself to be a part of. I used to be such a free spirit, but now I understand everyone should not have access to you.

Do you consider yourself an empath? Let me know.

I am committed to my spiritual journey of forever evolving mentally, physically, and spiritually. I look forward to hearing from you, talking to you, connecting with you, and staying enlightened with you.

#befree #bealight #loveandlight Denetria Brijel

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