I learned to love even after experiencing a lot of pain, rejection, hate, and self-doubt in my life. Growing up I did not love myself. After I becoming a mother, I realized my mother never told me I was beautiful.When I brought this up with her, she replied, “My momma never told me I was beautiful.” I am happy to break that cycle with my kids. I tell them they are beautiful all the time.

As a child, I was indifferent about my skin tone until someone told me I was dark.  I never paid attention to my skin color until this person made me look in the mirror to question my appearance and self-worth. I would eventually be teased for being dark-skinned by different people at school and at home.  And this took a toll on me. I started to believe that there was something wrong with being dark-skinned. I started seeing myself as others saw me: dark and ugly. I started hating my own skin tone and wished I was lighter in complexion. I started resenting myself, rejecting myself and hating myself anytime I look in the mirror.

My grandma would say things about my skin tone even though she was dark-skinned herself. Looking back, I guess she wanted what she thought was best for me. She did not want me to marry a dark-skinned man. Her thought was: don’t do that to your kids. Some people in my family adopted her beliefs, but I went against them eventually. But I held these beliefs in high school, vowing never to date anybody darker than me. However, I learned from my friend whose dark-skinned family member dates an abusive light-skinned man that beats her. At that moment, I let go of the idea of dating based on skin complexion. I began to focus on the person’s heart instead.

I am happy to say I have only dated dark-skinned men. I am happy to say I have met other confident dark-skinned women in my life. They did not have the same experience growing up as I did as a child and it shocked me because I thought all dark-skinned women had the same experience as myself. I admired their confidence and wanted my kids as well to be confident in their bodies.

It took me a long time to love my skin, but now I can look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful. Now I know people treat you how you treat yourself.  I understand now that hate attracts hate, love attracts love, and pain attracts pain. I chose love after I living a life full of pain and hurt.

The thing I wanted, I had to become it. I looked for me outside of me and never found me until I went deep within me. I am on a journey of exploring myself, my wounded inner child, and healing that inner child. I am on a journey of exploring my intuition, my higher self, my ego, my shadow, and my demons. I am on a path of connecting with my spirit and inner world. I am learning to channel my abilities and understand my natal chart. Each day I am working on my emotions and exploring the wonders of nature. I am studying universal laws, reiki, my physic, my chakras, my feelings, my awareness, my clairs, my empath, and my sensitives. I am continuously improving my writing, my art, the teacher in me, and my spirituality. I believe there is so much depth to me. 

Understanding that I am both light and darkness, I own all of me. I love the woman I see in the mirror. I enjoy learning about her and loving her every day. She amazes me. Her beauty is untouched like the fire in the sky. Her beauty is truly unmatched, never to be compared but to be loved.

Most people believe being raised in a two-parent household means your life is automatically gold. I debunk this myth and I do not judge anybody based on households. Society has programmed us into believing two-parent households are better than one. I totally disagree. I believe everybody’s situation is different and should not be judged. Growing up in a two-parent household, my parents were very controlling and strict. I experienced more control than love. I didn’t feel safe expressing myself without being judged or criticized. They criticized me more than they celebrated me. My parents didn’t trust the world and this hindered me a lot. I felt like they didn’t trust me and it made me insecure, and I resented them for it.  I grew up feeling like I wasn’t enough. As I got older, I resisted their control and would do exactly the thing they did not want. I wanted to have a voice, and since I couldn’t speak at home, I turned to people that would listen to my victim story.

One thing I can say is both my parents worked; my dad always had two jobs and my mom worked. I was supported physically but not emotionally. “Yes, ma’am” and “yes, sir” were a must and if you didn’t say it, they would correct you to a point of beating your ass. I told myself I would never make my kids say “yes, ma’am” or “yes, sir.” 

My parents kept me sheltered and did not let me do a lot of things. The restrictions made me resentful to the point I could not wait until I turned eighteen. I could not wait to break free from the control.   They were very fearful about everything in life and it played out in my life as well. My mother watched the news and my dad was a police officer. They wanted to protect me but they were hurting me in the process. As a kid, I remember my parents taking me to the doctor to get my ears checked because they believed something was wrong with my ears. It stemmed from me not responding to their calls (or not responding quick enough) because I would be in my own world. I experienced being deep in thought (my inner world) on several occasions as a child, shutting out outside noise. After my parents realized nothing was wrong with my hearing, I got my ass beat. This developed into trauma and anxiety within me. That lead to me being diagnosed with PTSD in my adulthood.

My parents did not understand what was happening to me. They did not get my spiritual essence of being tapped into the spirit world. They didn’t understand how to nurture my sensitive soul. Still, despite everything, I am grateful for my childhood because it has allowed me to be a sensitive, empathic, caring, and compassionate adult.

All the pain I have experienced in life, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Hurt people hurt people and I admit I have hurt people. My childhood affected my adulthood. I became a victim of my circumstances. I hurt people, and that is the truth. Facing this truth was hard because I never wanted to see myself as a hurtful person. But I have learned to admit my wrongdoings, apologize for them and forgive myself for hurting others. I am healing  this part of me so that my heart can be free. Of course, I am not perfect. There are many aspects and layers to me, and I have learned to honor all of me and love all of me. I have learned to love the not-so-pretty parts and choose to heal and forgive them. I am both light and darkness, but I aim to be a light for others to see themselves. I will always choose light, but I won’t deny my darkness or my shadows. I have good days and I have bad days. We were taught to suppress our negative emotions and express our good ones. I have learned to honor my negative emotions even when I am mad pissed the fuck off. I allow all my emotions and feelings to come up. I used to get pissed when negative emotions surface. Now I let it show up instead of fighting it. I allow space for all my emotions, positive and negative.

In my twenties, I started loving everyone around me because I wanted to experience more love. That led me into becoming a people pleaser. I started seeking love outside of me. I wanted to be liked and would do anything to be liked by family and friends. Now I have come to the age to realize that my energy is not for everyone. I am finally OK with people not liking me, lol. 

I did not start my journey of self-love until my thirties. After my divorce, I realized I didn’t love myself. Everything was bleak. I had a painful childhood, painful marriage, and painful relationships. Everything culminating to the point of my divorce. I was really in a dark place. I was afraid to let go and at one point I didn’t know how to let go.

Fortunately, I took the leap of faith, eventually letting everything go. The pain and the hurt. Although letting go was scary and unfamiliar, the unknown felt better than my miserable world. The moment I let go, I finally saw myself in the mirror—the real me. I started working on myself, learning how to love myself so I could love others. I no longer was pouring from an empty cup but from a full cup.  Because I was more familiar with hate than love, I had to learn how to love. I am thankful for this journey.

I have to state that my spiritual path is not all light, but it’s about truth for me. The truth is not always pretty, but it’s real and raw. I seek truth in both light and darkness. The truth is the truth, no matter what it looks like. I stand firm in my truth.

I believe my parents are portals (channels) to a new me. I chose to come through these portals and I chose to forgive them and be free. I love and honor my parents today and they love and honor me as well. They love my kids and I watch them give my girls the same love I wish they had given me as a child. I came to understand that my parents and my grandparents both followed the programs of their parents. My parents and grandparents never really talked about their childhood and I never really asked either. They would volunteer the good stuff but nothing deep. I have no doubts that my parents did what they thought was best for me.

 I have chosen to break the cycle.  I love my girls, I teach them, and prepare them for life.

Of course, some people had beautiful childhoods and went on to have hard adulthoods. According to my natal chart, I chose to have a lot of my lessons in my childhood. While I was a difficult and stubborn child, I also wanted to be loved. Coming to this world, I had my own shit to work out and everything isn’t all my parents’ fault. My parents came here with their own shit; they didn’t know how to work through their own problems let alone help me. So, it was just chaos in the household. Still, I am grateful I chose to learn to love instead of remaining a victim of my circumstances.

Am I a perfect parent? HELL NO. But I do believe in growing and evolving. I did not know having kids would force me to look into my own childhood. Having kids of my own ignited the healing journey of my inner child. I always wanted a different life for my kids, but I still had some subconscious programming from my parents. When I saw some anxiety in my daughter, it was like looking in the mirror at myself as a child. I got her some help. I admitted I needed help myself and I went to therapy too. I did it for myself and to be a better mom for my girls.

Looking at my inner child in the mirror has been challenging. I am aware of my inner child’s wounds. I grew up in a household that lacked emotional support and I did not know how to express myself. Now as an adult with two kids, I needed to develop emotional intelligence and give my girls the emotional support they need. I noticed I would be irritated when they called my name and realized my mother used to do the same thing to me. While diving deep into my childhood is not fun, I needed to heal, release patterns and break cycles.

I know for a fact both my girls are sensitive, and they feel everything like me. I am blessed with the gift of feeling things deeply and this helps me to understand my daughters. I believe it’s important to allow your kids space to be themselves and express themselves without judgment.  I believe we learn from each other.  It’s important for my kids to feel safe and be able to emotionally express themselves—something I didn’t have as a child.

As I learn to express my emotions, I want my kids to understand the importance of emotional intelligence. Whenever I am wrong, I apologize to my kids. I want them to know I am not always right. My parents never apologized if they were wrong. I am breaking the cycle.

During a difficult time with my oldest daughter when we were at extreme odds, I hired LeAsia Leach Thompson (Mom Coach) of Life Changing Missions www.lifechangingmissions.com/services/ to help me navigate through it. The coach came at a time in my life when I was helpless and without assistance. I was just lost, didn’t know what to do, and my house was in chaos. I had taken my daughter to therapy, but I didn’t think it would work this time. I wanted guidance for both of us. I made a conscious decision to hire LeAsia, and this decision changed my life and household.

Even during this difficult time with my daughter, I was looking at myself in the mirror and holding myself accountable. There were times I wanted to smack my daughter, but I would hold back the action and stay aware of the thought. It soon dawned on me that I needed more emotional intelligence.

LeAsia helped me get to the root of my problem: she showed me that I had no boundaries with my kids.  While I created boundaries with people outside my household, I did not have one with my children. Without boundaries, I became stressed the fuck out. I discovered that I have been raising my kids from exhaustion. I was giving them everything to both our detriments.  Because I was raised in a strict household, I wanted to break the cycle, but I couldn’t find a balance with my kids. LeAsia helped bring me into balance. She asked me questions about my parenting, monitored my progress with my kids every week, and made suggestions that would help me get unstuck with my kids.

Thanks to the coach, I learned I was overexplaining myself to my oldest daughter, which was the cause of the huge blowouts in my household. My daughter knows how to push my buttons. Whenever I ask her to do something, I would overexplain myself and we would go back and forth until I get pissed off, start yelling and get out of control. Both my girls had me wrapped around their fingers, taking me for a ride, and I was letting them. I would let my youngest daughter burst in the bathroom, climb all over me until it felt like I was suffocating.

After LeAsia helped me realize the importance of boundaries, I became more aware of myself. I started giving myself space while setting time for my kids. The fact is, children will drain the life out of you if you let them. For example, if I am eating dinner and they need something that isn’t urgent, I have learned to tell them to wait until I am done. I had to learn to quit letting my kids bum-rush my energy, lol.

After struggling for a long time to create a balance with my kids, I am glad I got help and I am neither ashamed nor afraid to admit it. I understand that the universe helps those who surrender to it.  I am happy to say my household is way more peaceful today. I understand my kids better and how they trigger me. I have more control over my energy. I have learned to adjust and become strategic because my kids are strategic, lol. They keep me on my toes and I love it.  I love my girls; they deserve a healing mother, not a wounded one. I have chosen to do better. I have chosen to love myself and, in so doing, love them more.

Self-love has taught me how to truly love. Self-love and awareness have healed my inner child. I am proud to say that I can now face my past with so much compassion and love.

I am committed to my spiritual journey of forever evolving mentally, physically, and spiritually. I look forward to hearing from you, talking to you, connecting with you, and staying enlightened with you.

#befree #bealight #loveandlight

Denetria Brijel

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