Do you suspect you are the black sheep of your family?

Well, I know I am the black sheep of mine. I am the oddball, the weird one, highly misunderstood. The things I do never make sense to people in my family. My mom often said, “Dede, you know you crazy joking with me.”

I grew up in a family that judged and criticized everything you did, whether good or bad. But I remember as a child, hating being called weird; I wanted to fit in and be “normal” like everybody else. I did everything in my power to fit in, to be accepted by my family and friends. I changed myself often, questioning everything I did.  I shrunk, dimmed my light, just to be accepted and fit in. I followed the negative program of my family to fit in, but it never did feel right. The more I tried to fit in and be accepted, the more I stood out.

Then I started accepting the fact that, you know what, I guess I am weird, but it works for me. As long as I was feeling good on the inside, I no longer tried to fit in with my family. Even if it meant looking stupid or weird, I tried to go with how I felt.

Still, there was a tug of war in my soul as I tried to lose the need to be liked and accepted. Often, I ignored my gut feelings and wanted to be accepted, not realizing I was rejecting myself in the process.

I remember looking outside myself for myself, searching for it in college, trying to find my dream job (thinking it would complete me), trying to find myself in friends and family. Nevertheless, all my relationships had been toxic because I did not have a relationship with myself. I was constantly disappointed in life, and it seemed like nothing in my life was going well.

When I spiritually awakened (gratefully), I believed it saved my soul. My soul had been asleep for a long time.  I had an ah-ah moment and instantly realized my feelings were valid and real. I was like, OMG, my feelings are my compass, my truth, and my guidance. For years I was made to believe the way I felt was wrong. I had been operating on other people’s programs of how to feel and live. But after my awakening, I started creating my own program from my feelings and what I believed to be my truth. I started creating my own heaven, regardless of what people thought of me or how weird I looked to them. I no longer felt the need to pretend to be happy. Instead I was focused more on feeling happy. I no longer cared about what people thought of me and I started living from the inside out. I took the mask off of what looked good to others and started living my truth. I shifted my mindset for the better and my life got so much better.

Now I see and love my family differently, no longer forcing or forging friendships with them. I love my family so much, but I understand that I don’t have to deal with or tolerate toxicity or disrespect from them. I remember feeling miserable because I thought one had to take whatever the family dishes. Today I know I have a choice—one that involves not tolerating negativity from family or friends. 

Because I had no boundaries with myself or my family, I had tolerated a lot of things for so long. The lightbulb shifted my mindset, starting when I went into solitude in the first four years of my spiritual awakening. I was releasing toxic relationships, cleansing my energy, healing myself, and forgiving others as well as myself. During this process, I realized people treat you how you treat yourself. Since then I have chosen to love myself, to choose myself, and watch life reflect that love to me.

I don’t care about being the black sheep of my family anymore. I am living for me, honoring myself, and it feels so good. Now I show up at family gatherings as me, keeping some distance at times to protect my energy, but I remain happy as me. Soon I realized that no matter what you do to please others, they will never be happy. No matter how many times you change or bend over backward for them, they will never be satisfied.

All this time I was running myself crazy, trying to please others. Saying yes the whole damn time without realizing I was saying no to me. Even though my family was negative, I did enjoy some good times of laughter and fun together. I do love my family, but I cannot be myself in an environment where positivity is very inconsistent. 

I have chosen to love many of my family members from a distance. I pick and choose who I would interact with without feeling obligated to everyone. I pick and choose what family events I would attend. I remember the old me—the old Dede who felt obligated to attend family gatherings and would leave pissed off wondering why she even came. 

Now I enjoy showing up to family events when I feel like it and not when others want me to show up. Now I never go against my higher self. I come with my cup of self-love full (as my best self) and don’t show up when I am not in the mood. 

Pro tip: If you choose not to attend a family event, don’t apologize for it because people don’t know what you got going on. Live your truth and take care of yourself.

Choosing me has been a game-changer as I now have the power to choose how I want to feel. I don’t have to tolerate disrespect from anybody. Period. I have learned to liberate my soul by letting go of things that don’t serve me. I have learned that being nice, wanting to be liked, doesn’t mean people will like you. I choose respect over being liked, and experience has taught me that respect is more valuable than being liked. Respect goes both ways, and I am ok if you don’t like me; let us just respect each other.

I was never meant to blend in with my family. I was born to stand out and I know deep down inside I came here to help others.  I am so grateful I awakened to my truth and I honor my truth. I feel free and liberated in my soul. My soul is alive, my inner world feels like heaven and no longer like torture.

At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings and our emotions. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, heal yourself, forgive yourself, and be yourself. Your mind and body flow better in alignment when you are truly authentic. I am committed to my spiritual journey of forever evolving mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I look forward to hearing from you, talking to you, connecting with you, and standing enlightened with you.

 #befree #bealight #loveandlight

Denetria Brijel

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